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Tamsin’s Corner
Written by: Abby Hunsicker Tamsin Gonsalves was a history major at Kutztown University. She was petite with golden-blond hair. Tamsin had a baby-doll face and her big brown eyes complemented her soft, welcoming smile. She loved the beach, surfing, Europe, running, ballet, rock-climbing, and most of all—her friends. In May 2007, her mother and sister accepted her diploma at commencement. Tamsin was not in attendance because she died in July 2006. The details surrounding her suicide are vague, but it is certain that she hung herself in her Fleetwood home and later was discovered by her sister. Suicides always generate questions, some of which can never be answered. The tragedy of Tamsin’s suicide continues to concern her friends, relatives, and Kutztown classmates. The day of Tamsin’s death was unusual. According to Kristen Smith’s "Suicide sparks questions" article in Kutztown University’s Keystone newspaper, Tamsin called her boyfriend and asked him to come see her. He refused because he had to go to work and the two argued. He assumed that Tamsin would text message him like she usually did after an argument, but the text message never came. Later that night, he went to Tamsin’s house and yelled, but there was no response. The members of the Women’s Center were saddened by this tragedy. What could cause such a “happy” and outgoing student to take her life? It seems like this final argument with her boyfriend may have been what sent Tamsin over the edge. At the request of Tamsin’s mother, we have dedicated this section of our website to information about maintaining healthy relationships. www.halfofus.org—offers information about suicide, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and a variety of other mental health topics. If you are having trouble coping, this site can help. “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” Ending a relationship is never easy. Because relationships, especially romantic relationships, are such a large part of your life, healing takes time. Dealing with a breakup is much like dealing with the death of a loved one. According to a class discussion in Dr. Duane Crider’s Personal Health Management class, at Kutztown University, you must go through the five stages of grief before you can move on. The Five Stages of Grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There is no rule saying that you must go through the stages in this exact order. You may experience these stages in any order or even repeat some stages. Every person is different and will grieve in his or her own way. What is most important is that you give yourself time to heal. DENIAL ANGER BARGAINING DEPRESSION ACCEPTANCE Here are some relationship breakup survival tips from "Help your student survive relationship breakups", published March 19, 2004, by Mary Anne Knapp, Licensed Clinical Social Worker. This entire article can be found at the Penn State Website, www.sa.psu.edu/insights/mar04/relationship.shtml, or in the Women’s Center Relationships Resource file:
“I Want You to Want Me”
As children, we learn from our surroundings. We see how our parents and other role-models behave in relationships and we mimic their actions. But it is not until we get older that we have a chance to use those lessons. In high school or college we have our first romantic relationships. College is especially important, because for many of us it is our first time away from home. We meet a whole new set of role-models and can experience and experiment with love away from our parents. College is a great opportunity to learn good relationship skills that we may not have seen as children. It is also the perfect time to unlearn bad relationship skills. It may come naturally for us to fall into unhealthy patterns, but we can work through it and create a new, healthier way to coexist. In an article by Ann D. Carden, of University Hospitals of Cleveland, titled "Wife Abuse and the Wife Abuser: Review and Recommendations", Carden points out the pattern of violence that often exists in families that have experienced abuse. She writes, “Violence is a culturally transmitted ‘disease’ of epidemic proportions in the contemporary United States, and domestic violence (i.e., emotional and/or physical abuse between members of a nuclear family/intimate system) is one of the most insidious expressions.” Carden is saying that abusers learn to abuse and victims learn to be subservient from their family situations. These people grow up to find someone to abuse or to abuse them. It becomes a cycle of parents sharing their unhealthy behaviors with children who in turn share them with their own children. The good news is that college is a time for change. It is a time for abusers to realize the error in their actions and get help. It is a time for victims to escape and find assistance. It is a time for everyone to get to know and love themselves. If you feel that you are at risk of becoming half of an unhealthy relationship, talk to a counselor at the health and wellness center, or come to the Women’s Center for information and emergency contact numbers. There may never be a time in your life when you have more access to help and information. Please take advantage of it. “Happy Together”
Being in a relationship is hard work, but having a healthy relationship is worth it. When you work with your partner, have rewarding communication, and feel good about yourself and your partner, you are reaping the benefits of a healthy relationship. “Love Me Tender”
Dian Katz, MS describes the characteristics of any healthy romantic relationship in her article, "Roadmap for Healthy Relationships", published in the 2003 edition of Lesbian News:
“It’s Only Love” To have a healthy relationship you must first be comfortable with yourself. Know your own goals and be able to be independent. Being your own person means that if you break up with your partner, you can still be a fully functioning person. When you do start dating, communication is the key. Tell your partner about your goals and feelings, and listen when your partner shares ideas with you. Use eye contact and make specific statements. Show concern for your partner and do not belittle or mock. Keep an open dialogue. You cannot change another person, but you can learn the reasons why they do certain things, and that better understanding will keep the relationship strong. Every relationship has conflict, but with good communication skills you and your partner can get through it. “Careless Whisper”
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms of an unhealthy relationship, you can get help. If you have a friend who you suspect is in an abusive relationship you should tell that friend that it is not okay, and help is available. If you are doing some of these things to your partner, you can stop and get help that will benefit both of you. There is a list of valuable contacts in the Resources section of this website. Below is a list of websites that will offer more education and help for these problems. www.endabuse.org—The Family Violence Protection Fund offers information about preventing domestic violence.
“Help”
National Domestic Violence Hotline |
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